Sunday, September 30, 2012

Short One

My foodie penpals entry is due to auto post in the morning so I thought about skipping an entry tonight and then decided against it... Today was really relaxed. I woke up around 9 to a missed text from my dad so I called him. He wanted to discuss my mom's birthday party with me. I watched some TV and took about (no lie) half a dozen calls from my dad and one more from my mom. I had to pause the TV each time. One of the times, my dad said that my mom was making chicken tetrazzini (my absolute favorite food!!!) and was inviting me out to eat. I don't know how many shows I watched, but I stopped watching around three and went and took a shower. Around four, I left and went to my sister's new apartment. She used to live in a town about 30-40 minutes away but this weekend she moved into the same town as me! She has a pay-as-you-go phone and was out of minutes. I had to go surprise her and see if she wanted to go to my parents' for dinner. Of course she did. So she changed and off we went. We got to my parents' around 4:30ish and waited (im)patiently for the food to get done and the rest of the guests to arrive. We had the tetrazzini, green beans, Hawaiian sweet rolls, and cheesecake for dessert. I ate two big pieces of tetrazzini (I only had a small breakfast), some green beans, two rolls, and my mom and I split a slice of cheesecake. I'd say it was maybe an inch wide at the crust. It was super-rich though and that was plenty. Then we sat around and chatted for a bit. Around 7:30 my niece was trying to fall asleep so I took them home and came home and here I am. It's only a little after 8:30 and I'm ready for bed!

I think I'm going to go change into some PJs, take my meds, and hit the hay early tonight. ZzzZzzzzzZz

Night guys!

Saturday, September 29, 2012


Today was a good day. I got up and watched some shows that were on my DVR. My boyfriend was off work all week (he works seconds) and so he was messing with my TV watching... not that I didn't want him home. It was nice. :) Then we showered and got ready and went out to his parents' house. Annually, they have a weenie roast and the invite different people each time. This year it was me, my boyfriend, his brother, his sister-in-law, the boyfriend's best friend (who lived with my boyfriend and his parents for a while during high school) and wife, and his parents... oh and two dogs. :) We sat around this beautiful fire:

and talked about a wide variety of things. We ate a lot of food including hot dogs, baked beans, pasta salad, potato salad, chili, steamed edamame, buffalo chicken dip, potato chips, pumpkin pie, pumpkin bars, brownies, and rice krispy treats. His mom even made sure we all had our favorite alcoholic beverages (I asked my pharmacist who said it was okay to have a drink or two on occasion with my Prozac) and I had two Amaretto Stone Sours. I didn't overstuff myself. I had a little bit of almost everything. I mostly enjoyed the conversation. I sat next to my boyfriend's sister-in-law who I absolutely adore. We chatted about a lot of things from hair styles to movies to books. She's just a great girl and I love her to death. His parents are usually in bed by 8 so I was surprised that we were there until about 9:45. That's very odd (except for Christmas Eve)...

All-in-all it was a great night and now I'm super sleepy and my bed is calling my name. Night!!!

Friday, September 28, 2012

Weigh In + Nervous + Random Jabbering

Last Week: 228.4
This Week: 225.4
Change: - 3.0 lbs

WOOT! I was excited when I got on the scale this morning and saw that! I'll get into why later...

I'm super nervous. I just sent an email off to a company and I'm hoping they will allow me to do a giveaway on this blog. I will let you know as soon as I know anything, but as my blogging friend Bailey said, "The worst they can say is no," which is completely true... I would probably be slightly heartbroken if they decline, but I would also understand why... :) So y'all cross your fingers that I will have an awesome giveaway on this blog soon!

My night last night was pretty decent. I got off work and went home. My boyfriend was in the shower so I stuck my head in the bathroom to tell him I was home. He asked if I wanted to go to Home Depot with him and I said sure. When we were getting ready to leave he left his keys on the counter which meant that I was driving. I asked why I was driving and he said that he could drive, but we were taking my car. Considering we were looking for doors, I told him that we should take his truck in case we found anything. So we went and we found the screen door we wanted (we're fixing up our house because we'll be moving out early next summer and renting out the house we currently live in), but since our door is like two inches shorter than the average, we had to special order it. He also needed to get some zip-ties to fix the fence, some weed killer to spray on the rocks we park on out front, and some canned air to work on his gaming computer. We went to check out and it wouldn’t take his card. Now I know he’s got a ton of money in his checking account. It declined it three times. Luckily I haven’t mailed a check to my friend for some money I owed her yet so I had some money in my account and could pay for it. We ran by the bank to make sure his money was still there, which it was, so I’m not sure why Home Depot kept declining his card. Then we went by Pet Smart to look at harnesses for Rusty. They didn’t have any we liked, but we got him a new toy. Pet Smart took his card. *shrugs* We were on our way home and my boyfriend said he wanted Subway. I told him I’d rather have Jimmy John’s so we stopped by there and got sandwiches and it took his card there too… *shrugs again* Then we went home. We got home shortly after 7. He had to do something with his computer so I watched Criminal Minds and then Bones. He left around 8:30 to go help his friend move a couch and I started Grey’s Anatomy. He ended up only being gone for like 15 minutes so… he had to watch Grey's with me. Every show I like is killing off my favorite people!!! I don’t like it at all. I went to bed once Grey’s got over because it was like 9:30 and I was exhausted.

Considering I didn't really eat to well yesterday and consumed about 1850 calories, I figured that I would see a gain when I stepped on the scale this morning, but I didn't. Super happy with the three pound weight loss!!!

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Hosting a Giveaway?

I was just talking to a friend of mine from high school who just started her very first blog... Welcome, Toast! Anyway, I was talking about how I always see giveaways on blogs and how I'd love to host one on my blog, but I have no idea how to go about doing that. I thought about contacting a new company I heard about that makes low-fat foods, but I don't even know where to start. On top of that, I haven't tried their product so I don't know if it's really good, or not... Also, I only have 11 followers so I'm not sure who would really do a giveaway with me. *shrugs*

Onto other topics... I've gotten mixed reviews about taking the Prozac. Mostly everyone who knows me is for my taking the medicine... but those who don't really know me, but have taken Prozac before, are against it. I actually had one lady tell me that she wanted to tell me her story about taking Prozac. I emailed her this morning, but haven't heard a response back yet... I'm interested to know what she says.

My first weigh in after starting the Prozac is tomorrow. I'm optimistic that it will be at least a decent weigh in. I've seen numbers all over the place this week... as low as four pounds lost and as high as two pounds gained... My appetite has been all over the place. Yesterday I couldn't eat enough and today I've barely eaten anything and I'm not really hungry. I'm not worried about it really...

So, yeah. My life is boring, but I'm trying to write an entry everyday so here's day two in a row. LOL Let's see how many I do...

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

A Day in the Life of a Compulsive Overeater

Many people, my family and friends included, don't understand what it's like to be a compulsive overeater. I was telling a female coworker about my doctor prescribing me Prozac to help with my overeating and a male coworker said, "Just stop overeating." I told him that I couldn't and he informed me I could. It's not that simple...

I think about food about 100% of the day. When I wake up, I think about what I'm going to eat all day... breakfast, morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, dinner, dessert... I obsess over what I can eat and when I can eat it. Can I fit in something sweet somewhere? As soon as I get to work, I plan my meals so that I don't go over my calories, but I figure out the best way to put everything so that I get to eat what I want. When the day is over, I'm thinking about what I'm going to eat the next day... It's a vicious cycle.

A lot of times, planning out my meals doesn't matter. Let's say I'm planning on making lasagna for dinner and I allow myself one slice that morning. After I make it, I'll eat that one slice and then obsess over wanting a second. I'll think about how much I want that second piece over and over and over... it's a constant nagging. I won't need it. I'll feel full, but I'll want it and my mind will nag me until I give in and eat the second piece.

I don't normally have huge binge episodes. I do have smaller binges occasionally and usually those will put me over my calories... usually they put me at double my allotted calories, but I don't really consider that a binge. I consider that overeating...

(Side Note: In the few minutes that it's taken me to write this first part of this entry, I've thought about how much I would like to have a soda... then it was some M&Ms - we have a quarter machine out front... then it was a candy bar from the vending machine... Thankfully I didn't get any of the above... I will make a comment about this later on.)

After pausing to do some research, I suppose that most people consider a binge to be anything more than 1500 in one sitting. A lot of restaurant meals would be considered a binge then. To me, a binge is eating more than 2500 calories in one sitting. That's two days worth of food, but in one sitting... Above I said that a small binge usually put me at double my allotted calories for a day... That's with all of my other eating as well... A normal binge would be 2500 calories in itself. I don't do that often, but when I do, I just can't stop myself.

My most recent binge was the one I told my doctor about. I'm going to write it here in all of the detail that I can remember... I got home from work that day and was home alone. I decided I wanted to have macaroni and cheese for dinner. It's not unusual for me to eat an entire box of macaroni and cheese when I'm hungry. I know that's a lot of food, but regardless... So, I made the mac and cheese. When it got done, I sat on the couch and ate the entire box. Then I sat there for about ten minutes. All of a sudden, I had this urgency to eat something sweet. I wanted ice cream, but we didn't have any... so I obsessed over it for about ten more minutes and decided that I could have a bowl of cereal. My cereal bowls are huge and hold about four cups of cereal. I filled it to the rim with Fruit Loops. Then I scarfed that down in about five minutes. That didn't hit my sweet tooth for some reason so I still obsessed over wanting something sweet. I needed something sweet. I searched my kitchen and found a box of waffles in the freezer. I made four of them. When they popped up from the toaster, a coated them in butter and full calorie maple syrup. I scarfed those down too... At this point I felt slightly sick and just disgusted with myself. I am not one to purge as I hate puking, but I was almost wishing my stomach would rebel. It didn't. I sat there disappointed and angry with myself for having that binge. I ate about 3000 calories in that one sitting. My calories for that entire day were probably at 4000. That's over three times what I'm supposed to have in just one day... and I ate it all in just one day.

What most people don't understand is the helplessness that is felt when you just can't stop yourself from eating. Most people eat until they are full and then they're done. Me... I eat until I want to throw up... the entire time thinking "I don't need this. What am I eating for?" but I cannot stop. I want to and I can't. I feel this urgency to just keep eating and eating and eating until my mind is satisfied.

I don't know if this makes any sense... It's incredibly hard to explain to someone that doesn't deal with it on a daily basis. It's incredibly hard to have any willpower when your mind is telling you that you don't only want something, but you need it. The obsession that is felt until that need is satisfied is unlike anything I've felt before...

The good news is that I believe my Prozac is working. Like I said earlier, I had thought about wanting something sweet which normally would have turned into an obsession and I would have had to eat whatever I was craving, but not this time... I was able to just say no and not eat the sweets.

So: Crystal-1, Urge to Binge-0

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Weekend So Far (Recap)

I've had a good weekend so far... Let's see...

Friday I had plans to go to Fashion Bug with my friend Megan after work. Well, she wasn't responding to my texts so I thought I'd try my bestie Pam... she didn't respond either, so I text my mom. My dad called me at work and was like, "Why are you inviting your mom out to dinner and not me???" I was like, "Dad, you're more than welcome to come, but a) I'm not paying for everyone and b) I didn't figure you'd want to go to Fashion Bug." He said, "Well, how about I transfer you money for your mom's birthday, I'll transfer you a little extra and then you can go pick up Mexican and bring it out and we can all eat before you go." I told him that I could eat Mexican any time and I didn't want Mexican... I wanted something from Effingham (the town we were going to)... but I could go pick him and my niece up some Mexican and take it there before my mom and I left. He said he'd talk to my mom and call me back. Well, he didn't so when I got off work I called him. He said that he didn't want Mexican and that he would eat what he was planning on eating (leftovers). He sounded kinda bummed so I called him back and said I was on my way to Walgreens to pick up my prescription and some allergy meds and I could swing by anywhere to get him some food... he said no, he'd eat what he was planning on eating. So I got about to Walgreens and my mom text me and was like, "Go get your dad a Mrs Mexican (his favorite dish at his favorite Mexican restaurant) and get a small side of beans for Hailey (the niece)." So as soon as I got to Walgreens I called in the order. They said it'd take about ten minutes. I ran into Walgreens and found my Zyrtec, debated over which kind to get, then went and picked up my Prozac... I checked out, got to my car, drove across town, waited for about five minutes for the Mexican and then headed to my parents'.

I got there and my dad seemed surprised, but happy, that I brought him out Mexican. He dug right into it, but the niece was being difficult about eating her beans. Mom and I sat around for about ten minutes before we headed to Effingham to shop and eat. We decided to go to Fashion Bug first. We were in there for probably about an hour. I saw a pair of cute blue sandals on the clearance rack. They were a size 6.5. I asked my mom what size she wore and she said 7-7.5. I said, "Bummer, because these sandals are totally cute! AND cloth toes!" (My mom hates thong sandals unless they have cloth toes.) She said they looked big, so she tried them on and they fit her! Yay! I told her I would buy them for her. Then she went on a mission to find something for her birthday party in a couple of weeks. She got a pink tank top and a sheer multi-colored top that was totally cute! It was about $20 or so for both of them and I paid on my card, but my dad will be paying me back for them. I bought myself about $150 worth of stuff. I bought a new pair of tennis shoes because my everyday ones were worn out!!! I'm not even joking. I got some Sketchers that were like $35ish. Then I got two packs of socks (six pairs total), three camis with lace at the top and bottom, a gray cardigan sweater, and two dresses that I should be able to wear with tights and my black calf-high boots. WOOT!

As we were leaving Fashion Bug, I noticed a girl laying on the ground outside of the Dollar Tree (they're in a strip mall and right next to each other). She was laying flat... no awkward position or anything with her legs straight out in front of her and her arms by her sides. I could tell that she was breathing, but she was just laying there. I asked Mom if we should check on her. Mom said she didn't know. At that point the girl moved her leg and she kind of crossed her right one over her left and bent her back that way. We both thought maybe her back hurt so she laid down to stretch or something. I wasn't comfortable leaving so I asked Mom again if we should check on her, and at that point a guy and his family came out of the Dollar Tree. He walked over to her and shook her and she didn't respond. So he ran inside to get another employee of the Dollar Tree. They kept trying to get her to respond and she wouldn't, so the guy was like, "Elevate her legs" and his two kids each picked up a leg and held them up. At that point she started to stir, and a crowd had formed around her so we decided they had enough help and left.

We decided to go eat dinner at Ruby Tuesday. It was in the same strip mall area. Our seat faced the same strip mall we were just in. We had just ordered our drinks when and ambulance went into the strip mall. I hope the girl is okay! (Oh, and another reason we assumed she was okay is because there was a guy sitting in a van and the girl was laying on the ground RIGHT IN FRONT of him. We figured if she fell or something he would have done something, but apparently not...) Anyway, so Mom and I ordered. I wasn't feeling really hungry for some reason so I decided to just get a salad bar and some soup. Mom ordered blacked tilapia which sounded good, but like I said, I wasn't hungry. I got a pretty decent sized salad, a little bit of pasta salad, a little bit of potato salad, and a little bit of fruit salad (probably 1.5 cups of regular salad and 1/4 of a cup of each of the others). My soup came and I had ordered the broccoli and cheese soup. It was delicious. We also each got two of their garlic cheddar biscuits. Yummy!

By the time we got back to their house, it was around 8:30. I hadn't let my dog out after work so I was ready to get home, but I also wasn't ready to get back in the car to drive home. So I sat at their house for about 20 minutes and then headed home. When I got here (a little after 9), I was too anxious to take my Prozac because all day I had read the possible side effects and had freaked myself out. My doctor had also told me that I would more than likely feel like I had a weird cross between a stomach flu and the regular flu for a week or two. Yikes! So, I got online and talked to my friend Jo who is a nurse. She basically told me that I would be okay and even if I had bad side effects they would pass, etc. Finally at like 10:30, I decided to just take the Prozac and go to bed, so I did.

I slept pretty solid until about 5:30 when I woke up with some stomach discomfort, an achy upper back, and weak feeling arms. I used the restroom and went back to bed. I woke up for the day around 9 or so, but I laid in bed for about half an hour before getting up. Then I made breakfast because I was hungry. I had two eggs, a piece of lightly-buttered wheat toast, and an apple for breakfast. While I was eating, I watched an episode of Doctor Who. When that ended I text my mom because I was supposed to go with her to my Uncle Charlie's campground if my dad couldn't go. She said she had to talk to my dad first. She called a couple of minutes later and said Dad couldn't go and I was more than welcome, but she wanted me to be at her house by 12:30. It was about 11:15 at this point in time, I needed to shower still and go put gas in my car before I drove to her house again... It takes me 45 minutes to get ready from start to finish and 15-20 minutes to drive to my parents' house. So, I rushed through gathering some clothes and then I balanced my checkbook really quickly (to see how much money I had for gas). I hopped in the shower and when I was getting dressed, I realized my underwear had a rip in them so I had to go on a mission for another pair. Haha. When I was done getting ready, I was trying to put on my new shoes and realized they weren't laced right so I had to relace them. Needless to say, it was about 12:45 by the time I got to my parents'. We gathered everything up and hit the road. It was about an hour drive to the campground.

When we got there, Uncle Charlie wanted us to go on a "hike" to the lake. It was literally about 100 yards and Hailey was walking so slow that my heart rate didn't go up at all. The lake was beautiful though!!! Then we went back to the campground and Uncle Charlie started getting the fryer ready to make the turkey. When it was ready, he brought out the turkey to prepare it. It's interesting watching someone prepare a turkey for frying. Haha. He had to blot off all of juices from the inside and outside of the turkey. Then they injected it with some yummy flavorings. After that they rubbed it down with a spice rub, and slowly lowered it into the hot peanut oil. It was amazing how quickly it smelled like turkey out there! While we were waiting on the turkey to cook, my mom and I took Hailey on a walk around the campground. We had a bad storm go through our area about a month ago and the playground got damaged by a falling tree. Hailey kept wanting to go on the playground, but she couldn't because there was caution tape up. A two year old doesn't understand why she can't play on the playground when she can see it! Around 4:30 we finally got to eat. Oh my gosh... fried turkey is delicious! I had a pretty good serving of that, some of my mom's homemade potato salad (world's best as my dad's cousin Tim calls it), some grape salad, a few potato chips, some green beans and baked beans, and a few reduced fat Chips Ahoy cookies. We sat around and talked and whatnot until about 6 and then we headed home.

We got back to my parents' house a little after 7. It took a little longer than we thought it would because we were driving directly into the sun most of the way back.

My mom and I couldn't see anything at some times. It was horrible! We got back there and my dad got there shortly after. Then we sat around and talked for a while. Around 8, they headed to my dad's ex-coworker's house for his wife's birthday and I headed home. I got home around 8:30 and was ready for bed, but didn't want to go to bed at 8:30 on a Saturday night. LOL So I surfed some things on my Kindle Fire. I ended up getting up to take my medication at 9ish and then went back to bed. I went to sleep around 9:30 or so. I didn't sleep well though. I tossed and turned after about 3 am. I think it has something to do with the medication. I read that inability to sleep is a side effect. I'm not sure...

Anyway, I got up this morning around 8, officially got out of bed at 9, got myself an apple to eat, and here I am... at the computer. I decided to write this entry before I start to come up with a grocery list... Anyone got any good sites for healthy budget-friendly recipes???

Friday, September 21, 2012

Doctor Appointment Recap + Clean Eating Week 2

So, I just had the most unclean meal ever probably, but I was starving. Not that it matters, but the plus side is that I gave up soda and I totally didn't get a soda. I got a tea with my Big Mac meal. Ugh. Haha. But considering that's all I've eaten so far today, I'm okay with that.

I'm going to recap my doctor's appointment before I go any further with the clean eating. My appointment was at 9:30. At 9:10, I left work and headed to my doctor's office. I got there and got signed in and took a seat. Around 9:40, I got called back to the exam room which wasn’t too bad of a wait. The nurse took my weight which was 230.0… That's up from the last time I was there... Then she took my BP which was 112/80 which is good. She left the room and said that Judy (my doctor - really a nurse practitioner, but I hate my actual doctor) would be in very soon. I sat in the exam room until 10:10 when Judy finally came in. She asked if I was still taking all of the same medications, which I am… Then I told her I had a few things I wanted to talk to her about.

First I asked about allergies and my sinus headaches. She said that she would prefer for me to stay on the Zyrtec because it's the lesser of the evils when it comes to allergy medications and blood pressure medicines. She asked if I've ever taken any other kind of allergy medicine and I told her that I took Claritin on two different occasions and both times I wound up with laryngitis. She said it probably dried me out too much (which was my thought) and asked if I had ever taken a nasal spray. I told her that the only nasal spray I had taken was Mucinex one time when I had a severe head cold. So, she gave me a sample of a Nasonex which I am supposed to take once daily, two squirts in each nostril. She said if the nasal spray doesn’t help alleviate my migraines, she wants me to try Allegra, but right now she wants me to stay on the Zyrtec and the Nasonex.

Then we talked about my weight. She asked how much weight I had gained in the past year and I told her probably 15 pounds. I told her about my struggles with compulsive overeating and that I had eaten an entire box of macaroni and cheese, three to four cups of cereal with milk, and four waffles with syrup and butter one day last week... She asked me if compulsion ran in my family and I told her that I have an aunt who definitely has OCD and then my other aunt and my grandpa (all three on the same side) both took anxiety medication. She thought about it and told me she wants me to try a few things… First, she wants me to get some form of light exercise (walking or bike riding) in at least three times a week for 20-30 minutes each time. Then she wants me to eat anything liquid that I would normally eat out of a bowl (soup, cereal, ice cream, etc) out of a coffee mug. She thinks this will help keep me from eating a bowl full of whatever during a binge. She also wants me to incorporate fruits and veggies into each meal… not just occasionally but every meal, every day. Then she told me that she really wants me to try Prozac. She thinks since compulsion runs in my family that my compulsion is eating and not cleaning (my OCD aunt) or worrying (my grandpa and other aunt) or whatever. She called me in a low dose 10mg per day and she said it’s completely up to me whether or not I pick it up. She also said she wanted to do blood work to check my thyroid and blood sugar levels and told me to make an appointment for a month from now to see her again.

Before I left I asked her about getting a skin test done. I told her about a girl on here whose entry I had been linked to who was young and just found out she had skin cancer. The girl was pale with lots of freckles and didn't necessarily spent too much time outside, but she ended up with skin cancer. Judy said that she could do an initial test and since I don't currently notice any moles or worrisome spots, she would do it when I went back for my annual pap smear in March/April. I said that was great. She said if she found anything suspicious, she would have to refer me to a dermatologist, but she could do the initial skin test. So, that's taken care of...

Then I went and got my blood drawn. I gave blood a little over a month ago (August 16th) and the phlebotomy nurse lady tried to find the vein in the same time. Apparently it was "angry" and not over giving the blood so she had to look in my left arm. She found the same vein which was good, except for she didn't really have a good way to get to it because of the way the lab office is set up. So she just went for it. Well, I think she bruised my vein. My arm hurt so bad when she was done and it still hurts now... like an achy pain. Ugh. So, when I left the office it was 10:35. I called my coworker to say I was done and she asked if I wanted to swing by somewhere and get lunch. Considering it was just after 10:30, McDonald's was the only place that I knew would be serving lunch so there I went...

I honestly don't know what to think about the Prozac. I text my best friend right after and she's like, "Well, it couldn't hurt to try it, could it?" And I guess it couldn't. It's cheap... The prescription Judy called in is only $7.45 with my insurance. *shrugs*

Now onto clean eating... I'm proud to say that I have not had one single drop of soda since last Thursday. I plan to keep it that way too. :) I'm super proud of that.

Week 2 Add/Subtract:
This week I'm going to stop buying or eating this food for good: candy... and things with candy in them like ice cream...

This week I'm adding this one healthy and clean eating food to my eating plan: fruit... fresh fruit seems like a good replacement to candy because it's healthy and sweet.

Thursday, September 20, 2012


First, I want to say that I really need to get in the habit of blogging everyday. I know it will be beneficial, but I feel so ashamed that I've had this blog since April and I'm at the same place I was back then. I'm not making any progress and it's so frustrating.

Anyway, one of the blogs I read did an entry where she was hugely honest in her issues with binge eating. Someone told me to be classified as a binge eater, you need to consume somewhere around 3500 calories (which makes you gain one pound) in one sitting to be considered a binge eater. This rarely happens, but I do eat uncontrollably and in great quantities. I can only think of once in the past... well, couple of months where I know that I ate more than 3500 calories in one sitting and that was last week. Want to know what I consumed? An entire box of Great Value Thick & Creamy mac and cheese prepared according to the box, one ginormous bowl (I'm talking probably four cups of cereal and two cups of milk) of Fruit Loops, and I still wasn't done so I had four blueberry frozen waffles that were coated with butter and probably a cup of full-calorie syrup. It completely disgusts me to think of that right now, but at the time it didn't bother me. I felt like I couldn't stop eating and I just needed to eat more and more. It sickens me now. I'm ashamed.

Signs of binge eating disorder

Ask yourself the following questions. The more “yes” answers, the more likely it is that you have binge eating disorder.

Do you feel out of control when you’re eating? YES
Do you think about food all the time? YES
Do you eat in secret? YES
Do you eat until you feel sick? YES
Do you eat to escape from worries, relieve stress, or to comfort yourself? YES
Do you feel disgusted or ashamed after eating? YES
Do you feel powerless to stop eating, even though you want to? YES

Wow. Okay... so I guess according to, I am definitely a binge eater.... or I should say it's more likely that I am. I knew this though. I did. I try to be good and I succeed for a few weeks and then the old ED comes back and I lose all progress I made. I've tried telling my doctor that I have issues and I think that she thinks I'm a hypochondriac or something. It's sad...

The good news is that I have taken some steps that I think will be beneficial for me. I signed up for SIX nutrition courses that I will take from January to mid-year next year. I cannot wait for these classes to start, but the first one doesn't start until then.

I'm tired of feeling down on myself so I'm going to go for a while.

Monday, September 17, 2012


I suck... Well, really, my boyfriend sucks, but whatever... Here's the low-down.

Yesterday afternoon I asked him if he would go to bed before 6 so that I could do my 30DS video before work. He said sure. Well, I was doing some things and around 6:45, I started watching Into the West which is two hours... a little less minus commercials. My boyfriend wanted to watch a football game so he hooked up the extra TV in the bedroom (he uses it for gaming). Anyway, I paused Into the West a couple of times and it got done around 8:15. Then I did something on my site, told the boyfriend I was done with the living room TV, and finished hanging up the clothes in the dryer. As I was putting the hanging clothes away, I noticed he was still in the bedroom so I told him I would be going to bed soon. He said okay. I laid out my clothes for work today, put some workout clothes in my gym bag, and gathered a new towel and whatever for my shower. I laid out my DVD and weights for the 30DS and went to go to bed. The way he was laying in the bed, I couldn't lay in my spot so I sat in a chair and waited. He was doing something on his laptop. I waited for like 15 minutes (it was now 9:30) before I was like, "I'm ready for bed!" So he unplugged his laptop, told me to shut off the TV and moved so I could lay down. I got all snuggled in and he sat on the edge of the bed on his laptop with the light on. I think he realized he was keeping me up so he shut off the light, but he was still in the bedroom on his laptop with his speakers blaring. So, I tossed and turned... Finally he left the bedroom and I got almost asleep when he came back in the bedroom to use the restroom. He really didn't bother me when he went to the restroom because he was quiet and I was still slightly awake... but when he came out, he flipped on the bedroom light to unhook the TV and made a lot of noise. Nice. I wanted to be asleep by 10 so that I could get up at 6 and do my video (I require 8 hours of sleep or I don't function properly). It was probably 11 before I fell asleep and then I woke up a lot. I woke up at like 1 and then 4 and then 5:30 and yeah... I decided to just sleep until 6:40 (like I can when I don't work out). So, no morning 30DS for me.

So, now's where I suck. Yesterday I got up and went to take my medication. Every morning I take my blood pressure medicine, a Vitamin E pill, and a generic Zyrtec for allergies. I was out of allergy meds!!! I couldn't believe it, but I was also broke so I couldn't go get any. I literally had $5 in my account and was waiting on about $75 to transfer from my PayPal account to my bank account. So I suffered through the day yesterday... I woke up this morning and my nose was completely filled with boogers. Gross I know, but it's what happened. Like I couldn't even blow my nose I had to pick it to get them out. *puke* So, I felt okay this morning... then around lunch time I started getting a serious sinus headache. I checked my bank account and thankfully my PayPal money was transferred in. So, I ran by Walgreens on my lunch and got some to last me through Friday (my doctor's appointment). I took some on my lunch, but it's 24 hour stuff and takes a while to kick back in once it's out of your system... I really need to get these headaches taken care of. I'm so glad I have a doctor's appointment Friday. I had every intention of going to the gym, but there is so much pressure in my head that it feels like my nose is going to fly off my face at any second so I'm just going home, eating some dinner, and laying down. I feel horrible!!!

The good thing is that my calories will be low today. I'm under my net calorie goal without working out so I should be fine. I WANT to work out, I totally do. I was all gung-ho last night, but I couldn't workout because I wouldn't have been able to sleep. Since Matt kept me up half the night I should have done it anyway!

Food and Exercise Log:
Breakfast: 255 Calories
- plain bagel with Laughing Cow garden vegetable cream cheese wedge
Morning Snack: 80 Calories
- honeycrisp apple
Lunch: 365 Calories
- Cheesy Turkey Sausage Spaghetti
Afternoon Snack: 190 Calories
- Hershey's Special Dark Chocolate bar
Dinner: 365 Calories
- three eggs over medium with two pieces of lightly buttered wheat toast
Drinks/Dessert: 0 Calories
Total Calories Consumed: 1255 Calories
*** Water: 66 oz

TOTAL: 0 Calories Burned

NET CALORIES: 1255 Calories
(Goal <1260 Calories)

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Clean Eating (Week 1): And so it begins...

Week 1 Add/Subtract:
This week I’'m going to stop buying or eating this food for good: soda and diet soda.

This week I'’m adding this one healthy and clean eating food to my eating plan: (lots of) water.

So, I am FAR from a clean eater. I found this awesome site called and the lady who does the website has a lot of great ideas. The main one being that if you want to stick to being a clean eater, you should take it slowly. Take one thing that you're going to stop eating and stop buying one week and replace it with a healthy, clean food. I started off this week with a difficult item for me, but it definitely needs cut. I decided to give up all soda and diet soda. In its place, I will be drinking a lot of water and decaffeinated tea and coffee (I really need to watch my caffeine intake because of my blood pressure, but I really haven't been).

I'm far from an expert on clean eating, and I'm learning all about it as I go along. Below, I added a food and exercise log that is empty for now. I will start filling it out tomorrow. You will probably continue to see processed foods in the list for a while as I'm currently broke and I have to use my boyfriend's money to go get groceries. I don't expect him to go clean, but I will be reading the labels while grocery shopping for now on... This chart seems to help:

Haha! I just thought it was funny so I thought I'd share... So, yeah... Welcome to my journey of trying to be a cleaner eater... Should be difficult, but I've gone three days with no soda. Other than water, the only thing I've drank since Friday morning is a green tea and a margarita (it was my boyfriend's mom's birthday party).

Well, I'm off to do the dishes and make a not so clean dinner. I can't wait for my next grocery shopping trip where I can load up on fresh fruits and veggies and just yummy wholesome, clean foods!

Food and Exercise Log:
Breakfast: 0 Calories
Morning Snack: 0 Calories
Lunch: 0 Calories
Afternoon Snack: 0 Calories
Dinner: 0 Calories
Drinks/Dessert: 0 Calories
Total Calories Consumed: 0 Calories
*** Water: 0 oz

TOTAL: 0 Calories Burned

NET CALORIES: 0 Calories
(Goal <1260 Calories)

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Clean eating???

I signed up to do the Foodie Penpals thing over on the Lean Green Bean (click the little button on the right column if you're interested in learning more). The girl that I'm sending to is vegan and the girl who is sending to me is a clean eater. There's actually a pretty big difference and I'm considering trying clean eating. Vegans don't eat anything with any type of animal by-product in it. Clean eaters eat anything as long as it's as close to natural as it can be... you can still eat meat and eggs and whatever, as long as it's not anything processed too much. With my addiction to food, I think it's a safe bet that becoming a clean eater would probably help tremendously.

Val (the girl who is sending to me) emailed me a site to check out. It's called The Gracious Pantry. Upon checking out clean eating, I found that there is a way to ease yourself into it. I mean, you could go cold turkey if you wanted to, but that's strongly not advised. To ease yourself into it, each week, you write down one processed food you will give up forever and follow that by writing down one clean food you will add to your diet forever. Then slowly you give up your processed foods for healthy foods. It's worth a shot...

I printed off 25 of the sheets that you use to write down what you're adding and subtracting from your diet... along with one contract to write to myself. If I make it to 25 weeks of clean eating, I will print off another 25 and another contract. I'm honestly hoping that I can be a completely clean eater by the end of the year 2013. That is 67 (almost 68) weeks away.

Do any of you do clean eating??? What do you think of it?

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Work with me here...

I have this vague feeling that the universe is conspiring against me. So, the Commit To It Competition Round 4 began on Monday. I had planned to start the 30 Day Shred challenge on Monday as well. Monday came around and I set my alarm for 5:45 am so I could get up, weigh, measure, dress, and workout for 25 minutes before work. Unfortunately, my boyfriend was still up. My house is TINY and we only have one TV hooked up to a DVD player... he was using that TV to play video games. This tends to happen when you have a nerd for a boyfriend who works second shift... He had been going to be around 5 so I figured I was safe. Not so much. I just went back to bed.

Monday night I had made plans with my best friend. I hadn't seen her in probably a month so we decided to hang out. She came over and we watched a movie. All day I had a severe sinus headache. Pam left around 8:15 or so and then I watched Drop Dead Diva on my DVR. By the time it was done (about 40 minutes without commercials) my sinus headache had turned into a migraine and a pretty bad one at that... probably the second worst I have ever had. I just went to bed around 9, but my head hurt so bad it took me 30-45 minutes to fall asleep.

Normally when I have a migraine, if I go to sleep, it's gone when I get up. This time it wasn't. My head hurt so bad yesterday morning. I couldn't get up to do the 30DS. I just... couldn't. If you've ever had migraines, you know what I mean... I took three ibuprofen and went back to bed. When it was time to get up for the day, it still hurt. I was almost late to work because my head hurt so bad... Finally after I had been to work for about an hour, my headache went away. I imagine the ibuprofen kicked in. Around lunch time (1:30 central time), my headache came back. When I went to lunch, I bought some Aleve and I took one of those. It didn't kick in until after I got home from work for about an hour or so... Ugh.

I talked to my friend Jo about it... she's a RN now. WOOT! She's leaning towards allergies or a sinus infection causing my headaches. Luckily, I have an appointment with my doctor next Friday for my six month blood pressure check up... I'm going to bring it up with her then.

So last night I was up late. My headache went away and I was being very productive on my website so yeah... So, once again, I'm pushing it back... just still Saturday. I figure Saturday is a good day to start! So, once again, here are my revised goals (for the rest of the year):

September 15th to October 15th, 2012 Goals:

Diet/Fitness Related:

  1. Stay below my max calories for 90% of the thirty days (this means I can have 3 cheat days).
  2. COMPLETE Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred with weight and measurements at the beginning (September 15th), halfway point (September 30th), and end (October 15th).
  3. Attend the YMCA and do at least three 30+ minute cardio (treadmill, elliptical, recumbent bike) exercises each week.
  4. Blog daily. No matter how mindless the rambles. Add a daily food and exercise log is to the entries.
  5. Weigh myself each Friday and post the results. No excuses.
  6. Refrain from ordering in food at work. Limit to once (or possibly twice) during the 30 day period.
Non-Diet/Fitness Related:
  1. Write at least 10,000 words (approximately three chapters) in any of my three unfinished novels each week.
  2. Work on my "Supernatural" website for at least two hours each week.
  3. Spend time with friends and/or family at least once a week.
  4. Watch less television.
 Commit to It Competition Goals (September 10th to November 18th):
  1. Fit in my size 18 maurices jeans that I bought but can't wear right now.
  2. Lose 10-15 pounds by the end of the competition.
By December 31st, 2012:
  1. Complete Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred.
  2. Lose 15-20 pounds.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

I feel like I'm on repeat...

I keep saying that I'm going to start eating healthy, start exercising, do this or that, or whatever... I never do. I'm getting sick of myself. I'm sure some of you are probably sick of me saying the same things over and over again too.

I have slacked so bad on my goals for the start of September. I honestly guess it wasn't wise to start over a holiday weekend. The good news is that a new phase of the Commit to It Competition starts on the 10th. So, I think I'm going to move all of my goals to there as:

September 10th to October 10th, 2012 Goals:

Diet/Fitness Related:

  1. Stay below my max calories for 90% of the thirty days (this means I can have 3 cheat days).
  2. COMPLETE Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred with weight and measurements at the beginning (September 10th), halfway point (September 25th), and end (October 10th).
  3. Attend the YMCA and do at least three 30+ minute cardio (treadmill, elliptical, recumbent bike) exercises each week.
  4. Blog daily. No matter how mindless the rambles. Add a daily food and exercise log is to the entries.
  5. Weigh myself each Friday and post the results. No excuses.
  6. Refrain from ordering in food at work. Limit to once (or possibly twice) during the 30 day period.
Non-Diet/Fitness Related:
  1. Write at least 10,000 words (approximately three chapters) in any of my three unfinished novels each week.
  2. Work on my "Supernatural" website for at least two hours each week.
  3. Spend time with friends and/or family at least once a week.
  4. Watch less television.
I think with the competition going on, I will have a better success rate... We shall see, shan't we? LOL I used the word shan't. :)

On a whole different topic completely, I have been thinking a lot about a trip to Los Angeles. I made friends with actor Rick Worthy via my Supernatural website. (The pic to the left is of him and me at the Salute to Supernatural: Chicago Convention that I attended last October.) We tweet (via my personal twitter) and text often, he's donated numerous of awesome prizes to my JDRF fundraiser, and he's just an all around awesome guy.. Anyway, he keeps telling me I need to come to LA and when I do, he'll be my personal tour guide. I went there twice, technically, but both trips were for layovers and I was only there for a combined three hours or so. When I was there I text him and he said something about getting together for a drink... until I said I was only there for a layover. Haha.

I wanted to go there next Spring, but my friend is getting married and I'm in the wedding and I'm sure I'll have to miss plenty of work for that. So I'm thinking 2014 sometime. I was leaning towards around my birthday, but if I have over a year to save, I'm sure I could go any time. I want to make definitive plans soon and maybe go with a group of girls. At least four of us so our hotel room would be cheaper. I don't know...

Anyway, I need to go for now. I'll maybe update soon. Haha.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

September Goals

Diet/Fitness Related:

  1. Stay below my max calories for 90% of the month (this means I can have 3 cheat days during September).
  2. COMPLETE Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred with weight and measurements at the beginning, halfway point, and end.
  3. Attend the YMCA and do at least three 30+ minute cardio (treadmill, elliptical, recumbent bike) exercises each week.
  4. Blog daily. No matter how mindless the rambles. Add a daily food and exercise log is to the entries.
  5. Weigh myself each Friday and post the results. No excuses.
  6. Refrain from ordering in food at work. Limit to once (or possibly twice) during the month.
Non-Diet/Fitness Related:
  1. Write at least 10,000 words (approximately three chapters) in any of my three unfinished novels each week.
  2. Work on my "Supernatural" website for at least two hours each week.
  3. Spend time with friends and/or family at least once a week.
  4. Watch less television.