Absence

I have been a bit absent around here and I greatly apologize. I have some things going on in my life that are exciting, but I am unable to discuss in this public blog as of yet so I've just chosen not to write. Hopefully things will get cleared up soon and I can share with you that news! :)

I have been working on my author website a lot. I had a big DUH! moment about a week ago, and I realized that the beginning premise of my novel won't work. I was so excited to start writing that I didn't research enough and what happens at the beginning is virtually impossible. I'm going to have to rewrite the first chapters of my novel (over 20,000 words) which has made me take a break because I don't know where to start! GAH! The overall idea of my novel will be the same, but I don't want to have to start over when I really like what I have already written. Mental note: RESEARCH, RESEARCH, RESEARCH before writing a novel. :)

Source

I'm super excited for this weekend. After today, I am working a half day tomorrow (I need the afternoon off... for reasons I can't discuss right now) and a half day Friday. After work on Friday, I'm picking up my momma and we are heading to the glorious state of Wisconsin so I can see my (not so) little cousin get married. I can't believe he's old enough! I'm driving and it's about 7.5-8 hours away. I will be taking my laptop, but last time I was at my aunt's house, they didn't have that great of internet. Which is okay. Hopefully I can get some writing done! We will be staying until Sunday afternoon and then heading back home. I really wish we could stay longer, but that's going to be impossible. Boo!

Anyway, I just wanted to touch base and let you all know that I'm still alive and things are well! :) I will, hopefully, be back soon to write again!

Perfectionist

I felt very productive yesterday. I didn't really do much, but organizing something that is completely unorganized always makes me feel productive. I cleaned off the two shelves in my bathroom. Now, I honestly should have taken before and after photos because the difference is tremendous, but I didn't. Let's just say that half a garbage bag and a full Walmart bag later, my shelves are very clean. I have this bad habit of buying products and them not working out for me. Either I buy a cleanser that makes my face red, or a shampoo that turns my hair greasy, or a makeup that just doesn't look the way I thought it would... The Walmart bag is full of products that I am going to give my sister. There are shampoos and conditioners, two-in-one shampoo/conditioner, body wash, body spray, makeup, different cleansers and moisturizers, and some bubble bath. I think that's about it, but she's getting a big bag full of this stuff. She'll be happy. She never gets name branded stuff like this. Haha.

I don't really have much else going on.

Doing what I love...

I've decided to get serious about something that I love doing... writing. I've been an avid reader since I was about four. When I was a child, my mother would send me to my room to clean and find me hours later in the closet with a book and flashlight. I've read thousands upon thousands of books in my lifetime and I've always dreamed of writing my own novels... and now I am.

I am so, so excited!!! I've been working extremely hard on building a website that would allow people to read my work as it's being written. I don't want everyone to be able to read it until it's published. My site allows it members only access to the pages with my writing in them. I don't want anyone to take my hard work or story ideas.

Building this website is the main reason why I've been kind of MIA around here. I apologize for that and hope to fit more entries written in here into my schedule... :) I'm not giving up on this blog, getting healthy, or anything like that. I just really, really want to finally attempt my dream career. I've been scared of failing for so long, but how will I know if I'll fail if I don't even try, you know?

Anyway, the main reason that I wanted to write today is because I'm looking for people to help me edit my story as I write it. I'm going to be posting each chapter on my website as I finish it, and I'd like all the input I can get. I will be self publishing it when it's finished and I'm hoping this happens by the end of 2013. I am focusing all of my writing skills into one story (I have four that are in the works). I truly believe I can have it done by then.

Here is the main synopsis of my story:

Anna is a twenty-six year old elementary school teacher who, after suffering with severe headaches and arm numbness and tremors, finds out that she has a pituitary adenoma. What will she do now that she's been given a second chance at life??? I was given a challenge to write a story based on six random words. Those words are: accent, spy, forgiven, danger, hurt, and love. This is what those words inspired.

If that sounds like something you'd be interested in, please fill out the form below. I promise that all information you fill out will be for my eyes only. Please be aware that this is a volunteer position. I couldn't pay you if I wanted to... I'm one broke girl. Haha... BUT If you provide excellent help in editing my novel, I will give you a mention in the acknowledgements.

Thanks in advance!

AHA! Moment (Starting Over) + Side Effects

I had an AHA! moment a few days ago. I still haven't put it into action, but I will. I promise. Here is what I realized... I jump into dieting and exercise way too intensely and that makes me give up quickly. When I go from not working out at all to working out all the time, I get burnt out or injured and I give up. I don't want to give up anymore. So, here's my goal... I want to walk on the treadmill for at least one show a day. I watch too much TV so I figure if I walk during one show, that'll be about 45 minutes walked each day. I'm not talking about speed walking yet... I'm talking about a nice leisurely stroll. :) I was going to purchase a shelf to hang by the treadmill so I could put my laptop or Kindle on it and watch Netflix while I watch, BUT I remembered that there is a shelf on our back porch that my boyfriend made in high school. It's a little banged up, but a couple new nails and it'll be good as new. Plus, it's made out of wood which will look nicer than some randomly bought shelf. I will return to Curves as soon as I get back in the habit of walking. I figure once I start working out I'll also want to eat better. I stepped on the scale this morning and was saddened to see this:

Ugh... I thought I would never see the 230s again. Sad. Oh well... It's time to get back on the horse and not gain anymore... Who's with me?

Have you ever had an AHA! moment???

About five months ago, I wrote an entry about how I was going to stop taking my birth control at the end of last year. I listed the side effects of birth control that I had. I thought I'd go back through and see if five months without birth control. So, here's my list along with an explanation of the side effects I had and if I have that same side effect now or not:

• Enlarged Breasts/Breast Tenderness: I had been taking vitamin E for years for breast tenderness. While my breasts are still rather large, I don't have any tenderness anymore (except during certain times) and haven't taken any vitamin E since I stopped my birth control.
• Irregular Periods/Absence of Menstrual Periods: I used to have crazy periods. They would either be absent or super heavy. While my period cycle hasn't leveled out, my periods are more consistent in length and flow.
• Weight Gain/Change in Appetite: My weight hasn't changed (gone up or down) since I stopped taking my birth control.
• Sinus Irritation and Congestion: I honestly and truly thought I had severe allergies. Since stopping my birth control, I no longer take Zyrtec daily and only take Nasonex when I have a sinus headache. I would say that in five months, this has been less than a dozen times. Amazing!!!
• Low Energy/Chronic Trouble Sleeping: My energy has been a bit higher... not good by any means, but better than before.
• Yeast Infection of Vagina and Vulva: I don't think I've had a yeast infection since I took birth control which is rare. :) I used to have them all of the time
• Migraine Headaches: I believe since I stopped taking birth control I have only had one migraine which is a huge change from the once or more a month I was having. Awesome...
• Diarrhea/Incomplete or Infrequent Bowel Movements: I still have a lot of bowel problems so I think this is more hereditary than related to birth control.
• Easily Angered or Annoyed/Mood Changes: I am honestly not as irritable as I used to be which is nice. I used to snap a lot more than I do now. 
• Altered Interest in Having Sexual Intercourse: While I still have a lower than average sex drive, it has come back somewhat which is good... especially for Matt. Haha.
• High Blood Pressure: I don't feel like my blood pressure is an issue, but I still take blood pressure medication daily. Since I haven't lost any weight, there isn't much of a chance I'll get taken off of it yet.

Review: Bed Head On The Rebound™

This entry is a review of a product that I received for free through BzzAgent. This is my first review, and I'm super-excited to complete more. It is free to sign up, so if you're interested in reviewing products for free, you should do it! It only took a couple of weeks to get my first product to review! Awesome...

Anyway, I was sent Bed Head On The Rebound^™ which is a thermosetting polymer that moisturizes curls and fights frizz. It's a styling cream that can revive hair with just a quick scrunch. It's the cute purple bottle in the photo above.

They also sent me a couple of small samples of Bed Head Elasticate^™ and Recharge^™ shampoos and conditioners which are used to cleanse, strengthen and protect any kind of hair... colored, not colored, curly or straight... I want to review these as well and will do so at a later date.

I am starting off with photos of my usual hair. My hair was very curly as a child, but as I age it gets less and less curly. It's still pretty wavy and if it's humid, it's pretty curly. Most of the time I straighten it, but on days when it is rainy, humid, or hot, I just let it curl because it's pointless to spend the time to straighten it. My usual (or old according to the photo below) products for doing my hair curly are any 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner (currently Pantene Pro-V Aqua Light) and then a straightening balm by AVON. I use the straightening balm to keep my hair less frizzy as it's bound to be in wet weather. I took pictures directly after doing my hair while it was still damp (on the top) and at the end of the day day (on the bottom):

I apologize for the poor quality of these pictures.
It was my first attempt at making a photo collage on my cell.

So, today I decided to try out the Bed Head On The Rebound™. I showered and used my usual shampoo because I wanted to make sure that the cream itself was being reviewed. After showering, I finished my morning routine as I usually would. Instead of using my straightening balm, I used the Bed Head product. My first impression of the cream itself is that it reminded me a lot of Elmer's glue. It was white, creamy, and sticky. I loved the scent though. My straightening balm is a little overwhelming, but on this product. It smelled light and heavenly. I applied it to my hair as I would have my straightening balm and then left for the day. Here are my photos and, like the photo above, the top two are directly after applying the product and the bottom two are from when I got home from work today...

After having it in my hair all day, I do like that my hair is super soft. I feel like I could run my fingers through it without them being tangled in my hair. My main dislike is that my scalp is itchy. I have a lot of problems with hair products causing my scalp to itch. On a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being not itchy and 10 being so itchy I want to cry, it's only about a 4 or 5, but it's irritating none the less.

Overall, I feel like it worked as well as my current product. My hair still isn't curly, but it's also not frizzy which is my main goal when applying any product to my natural hair. I would like to try it again with working it into my hair better to see if it's able to bring out more of my natural curl. I feel like I would use it again, and as I have it, I will use it. Would I buy it? As of this moment, probably not as it seems to be a little pricy. If I use it again and it seems to work better, my stance on this may change.

Disclaimer: I was given the product for free to review and have not been compensated in any way. All opinions are my own and  completely honest.

Motivated May + Money Woes

Now that my pity party from Wednesday is over...

Thank you!

Thank you to everyone who offered me a kind word, advice, or motivation. It truly means the world to me to know that I have anyone on my side... including a bunch of virtual strangers whose advise I always take to heart... Some people were sure to tell me not to take offense to their comments. Don't worry. I wasn't. I appreciate everything that was said... even the ones that may have seemed a little harsher. I mean, hey, I'd definitely rather get your true reaction than what you think I want to hear.

My cousin must have somehow known I was struggling. Maybe we have cousin ESP or something. *shrugs* Normally I talk to her about my struggles, but I didn't this time... I vented here on my blog. Regardless that I didn't discuss it with her, she sent me an email with this attached:

I'm going to participate. I'm a couple of days behind, but I'm going to do it anyway. I'm not sure how I'm going to do the stair ones as I have no stairs in my home and I don't really know of anywhere I could go to use stairs, save my sister's apartment complex and I'd rather not have to do that. *shrugs* I'll figure something out... Maybe I'll do squats instead. Who knows...

Money Woes

Source

I hate money... Okay, hate is a strong word and it's not really money that I dislike, it's the lack thereof. I never have any. I have the same problem my mother does... money burns a giant hole in my pocket and I spend it like it's going out of style. I buy too much and too often. I've been in debt forever it seems like. Since I turned 18 and got my first credit card, I've been out of debt for approximately three months... other than that, I've had some sort of debt and it sucks...

My father is exactly the opposite. The only debt he has is the car loan and house loan. He has credit cards, but only uses them when they need used and pays them off immediately when he gets the bill. His credit score is something like 810 or something like that. Mine is currently around 600 which is a lot better than the 500 it was for a long time. I'm working on it...

Anyway, my money woes came today when I checked out my budget. I make killer Excel spreadsheets and I made one for my expenses. I always forget to pay bills otherwise and I hate paying bills late. It amazes me how I went from not caring if debt collectors nagged me daily to refusing to making a late payment. It's taken about three years, but I'm glad my mentality has changed... My mind is everywhere today... excuse my tangent. LOL So, this spreadsheet... I put the (incredibly small) amount of my check at the top and then it deducts each payment I have to make and tells me what I have left. Get ready for sadness:

• I got paid today and I have a little less than $30 left to my name for two weeks.
• My next check is on May 17th and I'll have about $60 left after paying bills and buying my mom's Mother's Day gift.
• The next check is on May 31st and after paying bills, and only bills, I will have about $70.
• The following check is on June 14th, and no exaggeration, I will have $4.88 after paying my bills. I don't even have the money to buy my dad a Father's Day gift right now. ARG!
• Finally, my paycheck on June 28th, I'll have $200 left after paying mandatory bills. That's a relief.

So sad!!! It makes me so frustrated. I seriously complain about money about as much as I complain about my lack of weight loss... or possibly  more. I know I need a better paying job, but I like my job... usually. I like my coworkers and I like that it would be incredibly hard to replace me so my job is very steady. I am so terrified that if I leave here, I'll get in a job that I'll hate... or one that won't be steady and I'll end up unemployed... I really, really wish I could find a way to supplement my income. I can't really get a second job because who wants to hire someone who can only work 6-10pm weekdays?

I got this free Kindle book that is supposed to help you find a suitable work from home job. This guy spent months scouring the internet and finding legitimate jobs. I wouldn't even mind doing like... customer service online. I really wish I could find a couple of small companies that needed web design. I love building sites, but I can't make them SUPER fancy. Like, I built my fan site SUPERNATURAL FANDOM from the ground up. I think it looks nice, but I'm sure other people could do something fancier. *shrugs*

Okay, I've gotta get busy, so I'm out of here. :)

Oh, and HAPPY 80TH BIRTHDAY, Grandma! 

(It was technically Tuesday, but we're having her party tomorrow (Saturday).)

The best of intentions...

I always have the best of intentions, but I never follow through. I'm struggling. I am always struggling and, even when I feel strong, I see no results. I get tired of sounding like a broken record... I'm sure my readers get tired of me sounding like a broken record. I wish I knew what it would take to finally, finally reach some of my goals. I guess that's not a valid statement... I know what it takes, but I apparently don't have the strength, willpower, or motivation to follow through.

I've been overweight, or even obese, for pretty much all of my life. I was a very chubby child and lost a little weight when I was a member of the YMCA's swim team for a couple of years. I was underweight for a period of about six months in high school due to a short bout of not eating. I was able to maintain a normal and healthy weight for about five years through the rest of high school and college. All in all, I wasn't overweight for approximately one-third of my twenty-eight years...

Source

I looked in the mirror while getting ready this morning and thought, "When did I get so fat?" Yes, I've been overweight for a while, but just recently my chin started to fill in. I never had a double chin and I do now. I also fully believe that I have some sort of reverse body dysmorphic disorder... I would always think I looked good when I left my house. At a later time, I would see myself in pictures and realize that I did, in fact, look chunky. However, now when I look in the mirror, I see the chunky me. I don't even think I look "good" most of the time... I don't feel beautiful, or sexy... I feel like a whale and I really, really don't want to...

I honestly thought that getting diagnosed as a compulsive overeater would solve all of my weight problems. Boy, was I wrong. Getting put on medication to stop the compulsion of overeating has helped in some ways. I haven't had a binge episode since October which, don't get me wrong, is amazing. However, I still have the horrible habit of overeating... I haven't binged, but I still eat too much and too unhealthy.

I feel like I need a partner or a sounding board... someone to help hold me accountable for my actions.The problem is that I have no one locally to help with this. Sure people have offered their assistance and I'm incredibly grateful for that, but all of those people live out of state... or out of town. They don't hound me like I need them to... They don't have a membership to the Curves I go to and force me to go with them. And, while I love Matt, he is not a good weight loss partner...

I honestly wish that I could afford to have a personal trainer and/or nutritionist. I really think that someone telling me how to workout and what to eat would help drastically. Joining an online weight loss site (Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem, etc) wouldn't help... I know from experience as I've tried both with little to no success. Having someone tell me what to do in a gym also doesn't work. I need to meet with someone once a week and discuss my nutrition. I need to meet a trainer at the gym in order to be forced to go... *sigh* It's sad...

I read a ton of blogs and most of those blogs totally inspire me to be a better person. I wish nothing but to be like them. I wish I could be a success story. I want to lose all of this excess weight. I want to get thin and healthy. I want to feel beautiful. I want to be able to run. I want to have children and grow old. I don't want to worry about my health. I don't want to be paranoid that I'm going to have a heart attack at a young age because I've already been on blood pressure medication for hypertension for three and a half years. I don't want to have heart disease. I don't want to run the risk of having Type 2 diabetes like my grandmother did. I want to reduce my risk of cancer (which runs in my family, by the way). I want to be able to get around when I'm old instead of needing hips or knees replaced... My greatest wish is to be able to say, "Look at me. I did it. So can you." I want to be an inspiration to people. I want to help people better themselves.

I guess to help others better themselves, I need to better myself first, but I just don't know where to start.