Grief

Our memories are reliable. A smell, sight, sound, taste, or touch can take you back to a memory… whether good or bad. A certain rubber smell takes me back to a play I did in third grade where I portrayed a little pig and wore a pig’s nose. Memories come when you least expect them to and they can take you by complete surprise.

This morning, while I was showering before work, I thought I heard my phone vibrate. I checked and it hadn’t, but I immediately flashed to the morning of October 1, 2009… My phone was vibrating non-stop while I was in the shower. I finished washing my hair, turned off the water, and answered it, still standing in the tub. It was my mother. She said, “I have some bad news and I wanted you to hear it before you got on Facebook and found out… Aunt Daphne called and Mitchel was in a very bad car accident.” I remember asking her if he’d be okay and she said, “At this point, it isn’t looking so good.” We hung up and I immediately felt like throwing up. I sat down in the shower and sobbed for a good five minutes. Then I thought I probably should finish getting ready for work so I stood up and turned the water back on to finish my shower. Numerous times, I bent over and sobbed and almost couldn’t keep myself standing. Getting ready was so hard… I kept bursting into tears. I went to work and made it through the work day, but it was so hard.

This morning, as I relived that day in my memory, I had a sudden and intense feeling of grief over the loss of my cousin. It hits me when I least expect it and it can be so debilitating. I realized a couple of times that I had tears in my eyes… Grief is strange.