In all seriousness...

I'm sick and tired of falling off the wagon. I'm tired of hearing, "If you really want it, you'll do it... whatever the cost." I'm sick of everything diet related.

I was looking through some old pictures today. I don't know how I thought the girl to the right was fat. I was about my thinnest ever there... probably 135ish on a 5'7" broad shouldered frame. I thought I was fat then and it's probably because I still had love handles there... but when you don't have any hips, it's kind of impossible NOT to have some sort of love handles. *shrugs*

The weight I am in the picture to the left is when I was my most healthy weight. Because I have braces, I can tell you this was my senior year of high school. I cropped out my friends because I doubt the would want me putting pics of them on my blog for all the world to see. I was probably 145-150 here which was an ideal weight on my frame. I also thought this girl was fat...

I truly wish that I didn't have issues with my body. I'm sure every girl does, but it's been a battle since the time I was ten years old. I can remember as the weight came on, my mom would say, "Crystal, you need to slow down on your eating. Cute clothes only go to a size 13/14 and you're almost too big to wear those!" That is true... back then, they didn't really have cute plus-sized clothing. But I was over 200 pounds before I hit high school. That's not good for any young girl's self-esteem.

I'm mad with myself because I let that healthy girl above turn into the overweight girl below. The below pic was taken at my friend Jo's graduation. I thought I looked decent and then I saw this pic and was like, "What has happened to me???" I think that I have some sort of reverse body dysmorphic disorder. I look in the mirror and I don't think I look bad. Usually I think I look pretty good. Then I see pictures and am shocked at the amount of weight I've put on.

Last night, my aunt took family portraits of my family. I stayed at my parents' house late so I could see the pictures. I looked so big in them! My mom picked out the ones that looked the best, but I'm ashamed at how far I've let myself go.

I haven't weighed myself in a while... like a couple of weeks. I'm ashamed to say that as well. I don't know where I am weight wise. I really need to get everything back on track. I need to go grocery shopping. The problem is that I don't have the money and so my boyfriend gives me his debit card to buy groceries. If he needs it for any reason, I can't have it. The only reason I think he'd need it is if he needs to buy his lunch. If that's the case I'll volunteer to go to Subway and get him something so I can get some groceries.

Right now I'm working on making a grocery list. While I hate grocery shopping, I'll be glad to have food in the fridge. I haven't eaten any lunch today because I have nothing to eat. My tummy is growling. Maybe my boyfriend will let me get a sub for myself. That would be a nice treat. Om nom nom.

Anyway, Things are going to be better starting tomorrow. I can't say today because all I've consumed is some Dr. Pepper and some puppy chow (chex mix cereal coated in chocolate/peanut butter and powdered sugar...). But if I get groceries today, tomorrow will be a new day, and a healthier one.

I use MyFitnessPal to track my calories. It would be awesome if anyone else who uses it would add me on there and motivate me to stay good. I'm going to concentrate on my food for the rest of the month and then starting in August, I'm hitting the gym again. I have to... I really do... I'm so depressed with how I look these days. *sigh*