Defeated

I'm feeling really defeated right now. I've been struggling so much on the diet and exercise front lately that I just feel like I can't make it back... I know that's not a good mindset to have, but no one pushes me to be better and I think that would really help me out right now.

I really, really wanted to learn how to run. I know you will say, "Then learn how to run." The problem is, I can't run correctly. Apparently you're supposed to jog on the balls of your feet moreso than your heels. I cannot seem to do this. I've tried and every time I try, I end up jogging on my heels which makes everything bounce all over the place and makes my knees hurt. Give it time, you might say... I am so impatient that I don't want to give it time! I want to be able to run right now! I have dreams where I'm just running for the fun of it. I am so good in my dreams... I wish I could be that good in real life. *sigh*

My eating has been so off track. I'm trying to get it back on track today. So far, so good, I guess... I haven't eaten much and haven't eaten a wide variety of things either. My dinner should be pretty healthy, but instead of eating breakfast, I had a Starbucks Frappuccino. My lunch consisted of a spinach and cheese lean pocket and some goldfish crackers... then I had some s'mores goldfish crackers. That's all I've consumed today.

I also don't really want to go back to the gym. I get used to not going and then it takes everything in my power to get going again. I have to go get my blood pressure checked within the next week and I bet you I don't get taken off of it yet... considering I haven't been working out lately... at all. I have reasons excuses. They are:

Week of 05/13 --- I went to Curves and the gym on this Monday... the rest of the week, I was working on buying my car...

Week of 05/20 --- I went to Wisconsin this weekend. Since I was gone, I didn't go to the gym much because I had so much house work to catch up on... I think I maybe went Monday and Tuesday. *shrugs*

Week of 05/27 --- This was the week of Memorial Day. Curves was closed on Monday and I didn't leave my house. The rest of the week I had some kind of stomach bug. I went from like 227 to like 223 in a week from not eating. Good reason for not going to the gym...

Week of 06/03 --- Last week I just didn't want to go to the gym pretty much. I think I wrote an entry about how we had no food in the house which makes me not want to go mentally... In my mind I think why should I bother going to the gym if I don't have good food because all of the unhealthy food I'm going to eat is going to counteract all of the hard work I just put in... it's not worth it. I know this is a horrible attitude to have, but it's the attitude that I have.

I really and truly wished that someone lived near me that would motivate me to go to the gym. I don't have any gym buddies for Curves who can drag me there. None of my friends will join with me and without them I have a hard time making myself go... My gym buddy for the regular gym is more out of shape than I am and I'm the one who gets her to go. I actually went a lot without her when I was going regularly.

I guess I just want to complain... I just wish that weight loss was easier. I mean, it's so easy to put the weight on and damn near impossible to get it to come off. Since my highest, I'm still down six pounds which I guess is good.

I'm such a daisy downer... I'm going to go for today.