The best of intentions...

I always have the best of intentions, but I never follow through. I'm struggling. I am always struggling and, even when I feel strong, I see no results. I get tired of sounding like a broken record... I'm sure my readers get tired of me sounding like a broken record. I wish I knew what it would take to finally, finally reach some of my goals. I guess that's not a valid statement... I know what it takes, but I apparently don't have the strength, willpower, or motivation to follow through.

I've been overweight, or even obese, for pretty much all of my life. I was a very chubby child and lost a little weight when I was a member of the YMCA's swim team for a couple of years. I was underweight for a period of about six months in high school due to a short bout of not eating. I was able to maintain a normal and healthy weight for about five years through the rest of high school and college. All in all, I wasn't overweight for approximately one-third of my twenty-eight years...

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I looked in the mirror while getting ready this morning and thought, "When did I get so fat?" Yes, I've been overweight for a while, but just recently my chin started to fill in. I never had a double chin and I do now. I also fully believe that I have some sort of reverse body dysmorphic disorder... I would always think I looked good when I left my house. At a later time, I would see myself in pictures and realize that I did, in fact, look chunky. However, now when I look in the mirror, I see the chunky me. I don't even think I look "good" most of the time... I don't feel beautiful, or sexy... I feel like a whale and I really, really don't want to...

I honestly thought that getting diagnosed as a compulsive overeater would solve all of my weight problems. Boy, was I wrong. Getting put on medication to stop the compulsion of overeating has helped in some ways. I haven't had a binge episode since October which, don't get me wrong, is amazing. However, I still have the horrible habit of overeating... I haven't binged, but I still eat too much and too unhealthy.

I feel like I need a partner or a sounding board... someone to help hold me accountable for my actions.The problem is that I have no one locally to help with this. Sure people have offered their assistance and I'm incredibly grateful for that, but all of those people live out of state... or out of town. They don't hound me like I need them to... They don't have a membership to the Curves I go to and force me to go with them. And, while I love Matt, he is not a good weight loss partner...

I honestly wish that I could afford to have a personal trainer and/or nutritionist. I really think that someone telling me how to workout and what to eat would help drastically. Joining an online weight loss site (Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem, etc) wouldn't help... I know from experience as I've tried both with little to no success. Having someone tell me what to do in a gym also doesn't work. I need to meet with someone once a week and discuss my nutrition. I need to meet a trainer at the gym in order to be forced to go... *sigh* It's sad...

I read a ton of blogs and most of those blogs totally inspire me to be a better person. I wish nothing but to be like them. I wish I could be a success story. I want to lose all of this excess weight. I want to get thin and healthy. I want to feel beautiful. I want to be able to run. I want to have children and grow old. I don't want to worry about my health. I don't want to be paranoid that I'm going to have a heart attack at a young age because I've already been on blood pressure medication for hypertension for three and a half years. I don't want to have heart disease. I don't want to run the risk of having Type 2 diabetes like my grandmother did. I want to reduce my risk of cancer (which runs in my family, by the way). I want to be able to get around when I'm old instead of needing hips or knees replaced... My greatest wish is to be able to say, "Look at me. I did it. So can you." I want to be an inspiration to people. I want to help people better themselves.

I guess to help others better themselves, I need to better myself first, but I just don't know where to start.